Tag Archives: rant

An Average Day

My mind is always willing, my body not so much.

This is my daily battle, there’s so much I want to do with my days, but what do I actually do?  An average day for me is this…

-Struggle to start wake up and start my day, body is screaming for more sleep.

-Hunger, but body refuses food

-Get a little work done, i.e respond to emails, work on book.

-Think of all the things I need to do.

-End up wasting the day in a tired state, usually end up watching crappy day time TV

-Spend evenings in reading books.

This is pretty much my life 24/7 no change at the weekend either, not what you would expect from a 22 year old right?

Am I just stuck in a never ending rut? Or am I spending my days just in a dreamworld longing for more? Or is it that I’m doing the one thing I swore I would never do, and am letting my disease control me?

To be honest I have no idea, and I really don’t know how to change it, my energy levels are so depleted right now, I’m not sure how to sort it out. I’ve always suffered from depression, (I was put on antidepressants at a very young age) I could blame it on this, but I don’t think it is depression, my life is actually pretty good at the moment, financially I’m fine,  I don’t want for anything really, apart from medical stuff everything’s fine, so why am I living like a fucking zombie?  (I know financial state should determine your mental state but it does to me okay?)

(I usually start these post with a subject that I want to write about and then all of a sudden I always go onto tangents and i have no idea, where I am going with it? Is my attention span that short?)

Is it because I don’t have regular contact with anyone else apart from my family?

Now I’ve never been one to have female friendships, I never did as a child and I still don’t as an adult, I was always the girl that had more male friends than females, and that isn’t uncommon, I find it hard to form friendships with females, far to complex and confusing for me, and plus I’ve found in female friendships I always become the passive friend allowing the other person to walk all over me, now that may be due to my fear of confrontation but then again saying that, I have no issue’s with arguing with men. Are you as confused as I am? Good, because I can’t really explain it myself! Are you like me? Not really able to get along in friendships with people the same gender as you? Maybe I’ll grow out of it one day, because I’d love to have a friendship like the one’s you see in shitty movies, where two friends rent an apartment together, have a laugh, and drink every night, but I’m almost positive that will never happen for me. Never mind.

But… On the other hand I barely see my male friends also, mostly because their all pretty much in relationships, and we all know male/female platonic friendships have to be put on hold whilst one is in a relationship, a bullshit rule really, but one that everyone seems to follow.

Is it the lack of friendship getting to me?

Or is it the lack of a romantic relationship?

My nature is to be a submissive, but that doesn’t mean I wont argue with you, or bow down to your every need, but is that affecting my romantic relationships, I’ve never felt girly in my life, I’m not someone who oozes sex appeal or every really feels sexy, and due to past relationships my self worth is very low. (Working on it) I trust easily, fall quickly, and always seem to be hurt even quicker, my own stupidity I know, also the factor I’ve implemented a stupid thought that my time is rapidly running out, my parents where married and had my older brother and me by the time they got to the age I am now, and when I was younger I always thought I’d be married and have a child of my own by the time I reached 21, obviously not. Not having a child doesn’t worry me, like that is the furthest thing from my mind right now, kids can wait, uncertain if I even want them anymore due to past problems I never thought in my wildest dreams I would go through, but I did, and life goes on, but being young and having not one other person interested in you is really disheartening, maybe I’m just over thinking things. (Tend to do that quite a lot)

I don’t know I just want more from life, the endless stream of days that are so similar are just getting to me, and I need to make a change before more years slip by and I end up completely sad and alone.

Horay for being one cheery motherfucker!

 

Two hours to go…

The new year is just two hours away and as I’m sat alone at home, with nothing to do or nowhere to go, I can’t help but feel a deep pang of lonliness, but the rational side of my brain is saying is it really that bad? This time last year I had already gone out for dinner with my friends and we were just about to get ready to go out to a club, in all honesty that’s all I want to remember of last new year, the sad truth is that night… Once we arrived in town, my boyfriend at the time spent the majority of the night ignoring me and chatting up other girls, only talking to me to either embarrass me or insult me infront of other people, and my best friend ended the night in tears, because the whole night had a huge cloud of awkwardness and well complete crapness hanging over it, and it only got worse, with the envitabilty of alcohol being abused and then arguments happened. So all in all it was a rather large shit show. The friends I spent that night with bar 3 are all out of my life now, vast reasonings behind each and everyone of them, but I honestly don’t think I would change it, I’ve grown a lot over this year and feel more at peace now with being alone and not relying on anyone anymore.

So is me being on my own tonight that much of an issue? Because I know I never want to relive that night again! 

What are your plans for tonight? I think I’m just gonna have a glass of wine and watch some crap on the telly. 

Happy new year! 😊🥂