Tag Archives: random

Hemp, miracle skin product!

Just a quick update post, and two products I have been loving!!

So I haven’t been this happy in a long time, I’ve had great news, last week I had a joint appointment with my Dermatologist & Rheumatologist and I can finally say in 5 months time I will be officially off of steroids! HELL YEAH!!!! You have no idea how excited I am about this, it’s been a long time coming, plus that means I can get my pre-steroid body back, having had my weight fluctuate like crazy over the past few months (from jumping up & down doses), oh it’s going to be so good, however I am certainly not looking forward to the withdrawal symptoms, but never mind.

My dermatologist thinks that also in this time my skin will completely clear up, which will be a god send as it has been something that has been causing me lots of problems, now don’t get me wrong it has already cleared up tremendously and what remains most now is scarring, but that should be gone soon, I’ve been using two different hemp products and I would recommend these as they are amazing!

hemp-soap-on-a-rope-1-640x640

 Hemp Soap On A Rope £6.50

 

amir_hemp_seed_moisturizer_600__00314.1438980106.400.380

Amir Hemp Seed Oil Moisturizer, I bought this in TKMAXX for around £7 but you can order it from Amazon US for around $40 which I will be doing when mine runs out because it is that good! 

Those two products are so worth the money, highly recommend 5*

So that’s it just a quick update post, what skin products would you recommend?

An Average Day

My mind is always willing, my body not so much.

This is my daily battle, there’s so much I want to do with my days, but what do I actually do?  An average day for me is this…

-Struggle to start wake up and start my day, body is screaming for more sleep.

-Hunger, but body refuses food

-Get a little work done, i.e respond to emails, work on book.

-Think of all the things I need to do.

-End up wasting the day in a tired state, usually end up watching crappy day time TV

-Spend evenings in reading books.

This is pretty much my life 24/7 no change at the weekend either, not what you would expect from a 22 year old right?

Am I just stuck in a never ending rut? Or am I spending my days just in a dreamworld longing for more? Or is it that I’m doing the one thing I swore I would never do, and am letting my disease control me?

To be honest I have no idea, and I really don’t know how to change it, my energy levels are so depleted right now, I’m not sure how to sort it out. I’ve always suffered from depression, (I was put on antidepressants at a very young age) I could blame it on this, but I don’t think it is depression, my life is actually pretty good at the moment, financially I’m fine,  I don’t want for anything really, apart from medical stuff everything’s fine, so why am I living like a fucking zombie?  (I know financial state should determine your mental state but it does to me okay?)

(I usually start these post with a subject that I want to write about and then all of a sudden I always go onto tangents and i have no idea, where I am going with it? Is my attention span that short?)

Is it because I don’t have regular contact with anyone else apart from my family?

Now I’ve never been one to have female friendships, I never did as a child and I still don’t as an adult, I was always the girl that had more male friends than females, and that isn’t uncommon, I find it hard to form friendships with females, far to complex and confusing for me, and plus I’ve found in female friendships I always become the passive friend allowing the other person to walk all over me, now that may be due to my fear of confrontation but then again saying that, I have no issue’s with arguing with men. Are you as confused as I am? Good, because I can’t really explain it myself! Are you like me? Not really able to get along in friendships with people the same gender as you? Maybe I’ll grow out of it one day, because I’d love to have a friendship like the one’s you see in shitty movies, where two friends rent an apartment together, have a laugh, and drink every night, but I’m almost positive that will never happen for me. Never mind.

But… On the other hand I barely see my male friends also, mostly because their all pretty much in relationships, and we all know male/female platonic friendships have to be put on hold whilst one is in a relationship, a bullshit rule really, but one that everyone seems to follow.

Is it the lack of friendship getting to me?

Or is it the lack of a romantic relationship?

My nature is to be a submissive, but that doesn’t mean I wont argue with you, or bow down to your every need, but is that affecting my romantic relationships, I’ve never felt girly in my life, I’m not someone who oozes sex appeal or every really feels sexy, and due to past relationships my self worth is very low. (Working on it) I trust easily, fall quickly, and always seem to be hurt even quicker, my own stupidity I know, also the factor I’ve implemented a stupid thought that my time is rapidly running out, my parents where married and had my older brother and me by the time they got to the age I am now, and when I was younger I always thought I’d be married and have a child of my own by the time I reached 21, obviously not. Not having a child doesn’t worry me, like that is the furthest thing from my mind right now, kids can wait, uncertain if I even want them anymore due to past problems I never thought in my wildest dreams I would go through, but I did, and life goes on, but being young and having not one other person interested in you is really disheartening, maybe I’m just over thinking things. (Tend to do that quite a lot)

I don’t know I just want more from life, the endless stream of days that are so similar are just getting to me, and I need to make a change before more years slip by and I end up completely sad and alone.

Horay for being one cheery motherfucker!

 

Gotta love a shitstorm 

Well here’s something I’d never thought I’d write, but when is the point when you finally admit to yourself that someone’s advances to you (whom are suppose to be your best friend) are more than innocent? 

Now I’m pretty indefferent about most things and I especially don’t realise when people are making a move on me, unless it’s really obvious as I quickly found out this weekend gone and it freaked me the fuck out, waking up to a “friend” inappropriately touching you is not something I ever want to experience again, but after having conversations with people about this today I feel weird about the whole situation… Do I feel it was sexual assault? No. Would I press charges? No. Am I wrong for not? I don’t think so. I told him to stop, he did, we were both very drunk, and he’s been a friend for years, and we’ve always had that weird banter/sexual innuendo type friendship, and it’s been made clear that it will never happen again. I know I’m being a bit hypocritical by saying it freaked me out, but I’m doing nothing about it. Believe me I am as confused as you are. But in this case I don’t feel a drunken mistake is worth potentially ruining someone’s life!

On the other hand everything that followed was a major shit storm, I quickly realised another friend has no trust in me, and still hasn’t forgiven me from shit in the past which I can’t really blame her for because (for want of a better) word I was a bit of a cunt to her, but the trust thing has really got to me, I’ve made it very clear numerous of times that I wouldn’t do what she thinks I would, as 

1. I’m not that type of person 

2. The thought of doing what she thinks I would seriously grosses me out 

3. It would ruin not one but two friendships. 

I know this is kinda cryptic but surely you can figure it out. So yeah that’s where I’m at in my life, unneeded stress, not like I have a whole other shitstorm to worry about, but then again who doesn’t! 

So in conclusion this weekend I lost two friends due to alcohol, a giant misunderstanding and a lack of trust! Fucking joy! 

How was your weekend? 

A month can change a lot.

Ramblings are about to commence, but If you have read my posts before you will already know that…

We are now in February and a lot has happened, the book I’ve been working my ass off on for the past few months is nearing the finish line, I have now have a toe back into the door of my acting career, I’m hitting the home stretch of having weekly blood test and my hospital appointments are become more infrequent and less taxing on me, medication has been dropped to a lot smaller dose and my mental state has improved, and I entered and ended a romance that would beat 50 shades of grey (but without all that red room of pain crap) it’s true what they say a month can change a lot…

But why do I still feel a longing for a lot more, especially in my love life… I am an avid reader, I will read anything if it peaks my interest and have been known to read more than five books a week, (if I don’t have much on) but is this the thing that’s causing the longing, is it the fact that reading books  (warning TMI about to ensue) (romance novels, mommy porn, whatever you want to call it) leaving me wanting more, and causing an uncertainty to arise in myself, if I find someone will I be happy, or will I still be looking for something better, I know that’s human nature, but I have a feeling I won’t ever be truly happy, the simplest solution would be to stop reading such books, but the idea has already been planted, please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks like this…

Having experienced a “fairytale-esque” romance recently you think I’d be quite content, but to be honest it wasn’t all it cracked up to be, yes you could of written a novel about it and had readers yearning to find out if they had their happily ever after, but as you can tell that didn’t happen, and I left the experience feeling rather deflated and worse than I was before, but is it personally me or is it the society we live in, yes me and this guy suited perfectly on paper and to paraphrase Jane Austen it would of been “a most agrreable arrangement” but I don’t want an arrangement, or to be with someone because of their wealth, let me be honest, that shit is tireing and makes you feel less of a person, because you personally can not keep up with their lavish lifestyle even though they insist on paying for everything (not entirely insist, he made it seem as though it was an unwritten rule, that I must obey) I honestly think I will end up settling, having a taste of what people would consider “perfection” I feel as though now I don’t know what I am before, feeling ever more lost and confused.

As usual their is really no point of this blog post, and I’m not entirely sure what I want to gain by writing this… I suppose just a certain sense of relief by not keeping it all inside.. I’m not sure, what do you think, do we just yearn for unachievable things?