Tag Archives: new year

January 1st

So that’s it then…

The festive season has come and gone, and I feel 100lbs heavier but hey ho I enjoyed myself, looking back at 2016 and it hasn’t been that bad for me personally, I mean the grim reaper has definitely done it’s rounds and we have lost so many talented and inspirational people this year, and Brexit happened, and trump won, so regardless of everything else,  2016 will go down as one of the worst years. EVER!!!!

But what has happened for me this year?

Well… I finally got free of a long term toxic relationship and have cut ties with other people that were not benefiting my life, I started to write a children’s book, which I don’t have a lot left to do on, and I finally got a medical diagnosis after 2-3 years of suffering, so I suppose it cant be all that bad, well apart from the 49 tablets I have to take weekly, the fortnightly blood tests and other surgical procedures I have to endure this year, but the biggest thing I’ve learned from last year is… How fucking strong I am… emotionally.

I have personally endured so much shit in the past few years and I’m still going, stronger than ever, I know I sound like I’m blowing smoke up my own ass, but it honestly hit me last year, I can deal with a lot of shit and move on. Loosing one of my childhood friends due to suicide bought on by depression might have something to do with this realisation, God bless her soul. But last year has been about finding that inner strength and continuing.

I must admit though I have had a rather laid back approach to friendships last year, but saying that a friendship that I held so very dearly was destroyed and rebuilt last year, so that’s all good, and I must try harder this year, although we can go for weeks without talking then meet up and its like we never spent time apart.

After a year of not working I cant wait to start working again this year, its been far too long, and I need to start making decent money, so I can afford to actually do things, whilst saving, although I’ve realised I am absolutely crap at maths. Each month when I budget out my money for the month. come the end I always have more left than I thought I would, I suppose that’s not necessarily something to complain about, but it can be very confusing!

I’m not the type of person to make resolutions, but if I have to they would be..

( Pretty much all medical related haha)

1~Keep my weight under control, (Steroids are playing havoc with my body)

2~Take better care of myself internal and external ( Again bloody Dermatomyositis playing havoc)

3~Keep a daily journal just to keep check on everything.

4~Have at least two weekends away somewhere in Europe.

5~Finally buy a car.

6~Start work again.

7~And last but not least push myself to do something different.

Yay… seven resolutions, pretty apt seen as seven is my favourite number! Lets hope 2017 is an amazing year, I think we all deserve it after this one!

What do you want in 2017? What are your resolutions?

 

 

 

 

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Two hours to go…

The new year is just two hours away and as I’m sat alone at home, with nothing to do or nowhere to go, I can’t help but feel a deep pang of lonliness, but the rational side of my brain is saying is it really that bad? This time last year I had already gone out for dinner with my friends and we were just about to get ready to go out to a club, in all honesty that’s all I want to remember of last new year, the sad truth is that night… Once we arrived in town, my boyfriend at the time spent the majority of the night ignoring me and chatting up other girls, only talking to me to either embarrass me or insult me infront of other people, and my best friend ended the night in tears, because the whole night had a huge cloud of awkwardness and well complete crapness hanging over it, and it only got worse, with the envitabilty of alcohol being abused and then arguments happened. So all in all it was a rather large shit show. The friends I spent that night with bar 3 are all out of my life now, vast reasonings behind each and everyone of them, but I honestly don’t think I would change it, I’ve grown a lot over this year and feel more at peace now with being alone and not relying on anyone anymore.

So is me being on my own tonight that much of an issue? Because I know I never want to relive that night again! 

What are your plans for tonight? I think I’m just gonna have a glass of wine and watch some crap on the telly. 

Happy new year! 😊🥂

Real life Bridget Jones

Alas for once I will try to write a happy blog post, lord knows I haven’t in a while, normally my usual subject of choice is all gloom and doom, the nonsensical ramblings of someone who is no way qualified to dish out any advice on anything in life, not because I haven’t had enough life experiences, because believe me at twenty-two I could tell you tales of things I’ve dealt with in my life that someone twice my age wouldn’t be able to handle, but I’m not qualified because quite frankly I have no fucking idea what I’m doing, and that is not a bad thing, like do not get me wrong it is NOT a bad thing at all, I mean do any of us know what we’re doing… Really? I’ve learnt over this past year just to live my life one day at a time, and I’m fine with that, now I’m not saying you should too, but what’s wrong with slowing down once in a while and just savouring life, because we don’t have much time here, I know I don’t, so why not make each day count? (As cliché as it sounds) It’s all about finding that balance, and 2017 will be my year of figuring that out….
There’s something about winter that just brings my soul to life, the cold weather, the shorter days, the longer nights, I just love it, and not because I’m a “barely functioning day walker” (as I was once told) but because it’s the holiday season, Christmas is in a few weeks and secretly I’m shitting it, as it stands as I write this at 4:26am on the 4th December I have only bought 4 presents, and I still have loads to buy, but…with very little money, (Joys of still being unfit for work) anyway that’s not the point, Christmas is a time where you don’t have to go out in the cold if you don’t want to and you can just sit on your arse in front of the tele, eating crap food and watch reruns of shows like “The Vicar of Dibley” or “Only Fools and Horses” on gold (if you’re American, read above as “Fraiser”, and “Everybody loves Raymond”(sorry couldn’t think of any other old American shows haha) I mean what is there not to like?! I must be honest Christmas Day itself is slightly boring, but that’s only because it’s the same routine every year, but I shall let that one slide, because the run up to it is magical. But… my absolute favourite thing about this time of year is the hope and optimism of what the new year will bring, and believe you me, I’m holding on to that hope because the past few years have been absolutely the worst fucking years of my life so far, so I can not wait to welcome January 2017 with a new beginning because next year big things are going to change, I have it all planned out, and by god am I going to stick to it, I deserve a year of laughter, love, and being happy, a year of finally (fingers crossed) being well enough to start working again, I have missed so much not my own job, my own income and independence and actually feeling that my life has a purpose, that I’m doing some good, and taking the steps to make my life better? Take it as my “Bridget Jones” year, and hopefully it’s going to be amazing! Who knows maybe I shall take inspiration from Bridget and start daily blogging my life, nothing cut out, lay it all out there on the line, probably wouldn’t be the greatest idea to bare my soul to the Internet… but why not?!! I haven’t got anything to hide, and never know it might inspire others to do the same thing?!
Once again this blog post hasn’t really had a point, but I hope if you reading this is may hopefully of made you smile…
What do you plan for 2017? I’d love to know x

Dermatomyositis you haven’t beaten me yet! 

Coming to terms with being ill for the rest of your life is weird, but what’s weirder is other people’s reactions to it, yes I’m ill, and some days I don’t want to do anything but it’s not like I’m living in a fucking bubble, I can still pretty much do everything I used to, but I just get tired quicker, I can still go out and have fun, I just need a little longer to recover that’s all, or on the other hand I have people that have no fucking idea what I have, or haven’t even tried to learn anything about it and therefore think I’ve made it up, it’s odd, especially having something so rare, I have Dermatomyositis but my case of it, is even rarer because I’m 22 and normally you have it as a child or a lot later in life, so yeah bit of a freak of nature here 😂 but fuck it, I don’t really care, it makes me who I am, and I just have to accept that.
However there are a few things that do make me laugh about being ill and that is the same old shit people ask you no matter how many times you tell them…
“Is there anything they can do about it?”
Nahh I’m just taking a shit tonne of steroids daily just for the sake of it…
“Is there a cure?”

Well seen as they don’t know how it’s caused, or what it really is in full, I doubt it…
“How long will you be ill for?”

Your guess is as good as mine, but seen as there’s no cure, I’m gonna go with forever.
Yes I may seem sarky about the whole thing but two years of the same questions start to do your head in, it’s kind of like when someone has a baby and all anyone ever does is ask the mother questions about the child and nothing else, that’s kind of what I’m going through, no one ever seems to talk to me about anything else other than my illness, it’s aggravating, I didn’t suddenly just shut off and become someone who can’t talk about anything else but being ill… this post is very “ranty” I apologise for that but god it’s annoying haha and I do see I’m being a hypocrite by writing a post about being ill and whining about how that’s all people want to talk to me about but yeah, we all need to rant sometimes and this is just my outlet for it!
All I’m saying is stop treating me like I’m useless, because I’m still the same person, just a little bit unwell and that is all! 🙂

Living with an autoimmune disease 

(Started writing this as kind of a motivational/informative post kind of ended up a rant, sorry about that!)

A little over a year ago I was suddenly struck down with severe weakness and tiredness, to the point that if I were to sit on the floor I could not get up on my own, at first it was very confusing and frustrating because even getting up from a chair was near on impossible, feeling as though someone was pushing me back down, but physical weakness and uncontrollable fatigue aside, the hardest thing about having an “Autoimmune Disease” is you feel pretty much alone, and when the people around you don’t really understand what it is you have or why you cant just “stand up” it can get very stressful and depressing. I’ve had to deal with being left out of things like going to the beach, camping, and sports because I physically can not do it, I’ve lost jobs and now am unemployed because I physically can not work, even though I look quite well on the outside, inside is a daily struggle of being in pain and tired all the time!
Now… Autoimmune diseases are a very broad canvas, and I personally do not know which one I “specifically” have, but I do know it is non life threatening, but I will have it for the rest of my life, and let me tell you the prospect of that is so friggen scary! I do not know what triggered mine, could of just been my age or could have been from a fall I had a while back, I went through a faze of randomly feeling disorientated and just falling over which my now very scarred up knees have not thanked me for, but… that being said medical professionals do not know what causes these autoimmune disease and their is no “cure”.

Also I lost over 3 stone in 6 months and am still loosing weight now, sounds great doesn’t it, but its really not, its quite scary when you’re not yet diagnosed with anything.
I don’t really know why I am writing this post but I just hope if someone else who has a autoimmune disease reads this they can realise they’re not alone. It has taken me over a year for a doctor to actually take me seriously and get me the help I need, I’ve been told it was just all in my head that my muscles where working fine and there was no reason why I couldn’t move, I was put through Physiotherapy and told to do exercises I couldn’t do, and then get moaned at, at my next appointment because I had not improved. So many blood tests I couldn’t even tell you how many it was I actually have had, and put on various medications which as you guessed did nothing at all.
My point is… If you don’t feel well keep on and on until you get the help you need, I have to have a muscle biopsy at some point in the near future and then steroid treatment (not looking forward to that) but after over a year of being ill it has given me hope that I can get better well into “remission” as they call it, and my life will improve.
(I also wanted to do this post as a reasoning as to why I do not “work” in the normal sense as I have had a few questions on this on other social media sites.)
So yeah… If you have an autoimmune disease or any other medical problem that causes you to not be able to work, (in the conventional sense) what do you do for a living, or do you have any tips on how to make life easier?

I’d love to hear your stories too 🙂

NicoleeJayne

xoxoxoxoxox