Tag Archives: Life

Hemp, miracle skin product!

Just a quick update post, and two products I have been loving!!

So I haven’t been this happy in a long time, I’ve had great news, last week I had a joint appointment with my Dermatologist & Rheumatologist and I can finally say in 5 months time I will be officially off of steroids! HELL YEAH!!!! You have no idea how excited I am about this, it’s been a long time coming, plus that means I can get my pre-steroid body back, having had my weight fluctuate like crazy over the past few months (from jumping up & down doses), oh it’s going to be so good, however I am certainly not looking forward to the withdrawal symptoms, but never mind.

My dermatologist thinks that also in this time my skin will completely clear up, which will be a god send as it has been something that has been causing me lots of problems, now don’t get me wrong it has already cleared up tremendously and what remains most now is scarring, but that should be gone soon, I’ve been using two different hemp products and I would recommend these as they are amazing!

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 Hemp Soap On A Rope £6.50

 

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Amir Hemp Seed Oil Moisturizer, I bought this in TKMAXX for around £7 but you can order it from Amazon US for around $40 which I will be doing when mine runs out because it is that good! 

Those two products are so worth the money, highly recommend 5*

So that’s it just a quick update post, what skin products would you recommend?

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An Average Day

My mind is always willing, my body not so much.

This is my daily battle, there’s so much I want to do with my days, but what do I actually do?  An average day for me is this…

-Struggle to start wake up and start my day, body is screaming for more sleep.

-Hunger, but body refuses food

-Get a little work done, i.e respond to emails, work on book.

-Think of all the things I need to do.

-End up wasting the day in a tired state, usually end up watching crappy day time TV

-Spend evenings in reading books.

This is pretty much my life 24/7 no change at the weekend either, not what you would expect from a 22 year old right?

Am I just stuck in a never ending rut? Or am I spending my days just in a dreamworld longing for more? Or is it that I’m doing the one thing I swore I would never do, and am letting my disease control me?

To be honest I have no idea, and I really don’t know how to change it, my energy levels are so depleted right now, I’m not sure how to sort it out. I’ve always suffered from depression, (I was put on antidepressants at a very young age) I could blame it on this, but I don’t think it is depression, my life is actually pretty good at the moment, financially I’m fine,  I don’t want for anything really, apart from medical stuff everything’s fine, so why am I living like a fucking zombie?  (I know financial state should determine your mental state but it does to me okay?)

(I usually start these post with a subject that I want to write about and then all of a sudden I always go onto tangents and i have no idea, where I am going with it? Is my attention span that short?)

Is it because I don’t have regular contact with anyone else apart from my family?

Now I’ve never been one to have female friendships, I never did as a child and I still don’t as an adult, I was always the girl that had more male friends than females, and that isn’t uncommon, I find it hard to form friendships with females, far to complex and confusing for me, and plus I’ve found in female friendships I always become the passive friend allowing the other person to walk all over me, now that may be due to my fear of confrontation but then again saying that, I have no issue’s with arguing with men. Are you as confused as I am? Good, because I can’t really explain it myself! Are you like me? Not really able to get along in friendships with people the same gender as you? Maybe I’ll grow out of it one day, because I’d love to have a friendship like the one’s you see in shitty movies, where two friends rent an apartment together, have a laugh, and drink every night, but I’m almost positive that will never happen for me. Never mind.

But… On the other hand I barely see my male friends also, mostly because their all pretty much in relationships, and we all know male/female platonic friendships have to be put on hold whilst one is in a relationship, a bullshit rule really, but one that everyone seems to follow.

Is it the lack of friendship getting to me?

Or is it the lack of a romantic relationship?

My nature is to be a submissive, but that doesn’t mean I wont argue with you, or bow down to your every need, but is that affecting my romantic relationships, I’ve never felt girly in my life, I’m not someone who oozes sex appeal or every really feels sexy, and due to past relationships my self worth is very low. (Working on it) I trust easily, fall quickly, and always seem to be hurt even quicker, my own stupidity I know, also the factor I’ve implemented a stupid thought that my time is rapidly running out, my parents where married and had my older brother and me by the time they got to the age I am now, and when I was younger I always thought I’d be married and have a child of my own by the time I reached 21, obviously not. Not having a child doesn’t worry me, like that is the furthest thing from my mind right now, kids can wait, uncertain if I even want them anymore due to past problems I never thought in my wildest dreams I would go through, but I did, and life goes on, but being young and having not one other person interested in you is really disheartening, maybe I’m just over thinking things. (Tend to do that quite a lot)

I don’t know I just want more from life, the endless stream of days that are so similar are just getting to me, and I need to make a change before more years slip by and I end up completely sad and alone.

Horay for being one cheery motherfucker!

 

#RareDiseaseDay February 28th (not spon) 

Before you click off, don’t worry this isn’t a sponsored post or a “pity party” this is just the truthfulness, completely unedited, and non formatted writings of someone with a Chronic Ilness that’s taking its toll.

Background

Medical wise these past few months have been testing to say the least, not just for me, but for close members of my family as well, (which I won’t go into as it’s not my story to tell) but after nearly 6 months of steroid treatment I looked like I would be coming into complete remission any day now… and then it all went to shit. 

When I had my CK levels checked about 6 months ago they where nearly 3,000 (I was told a healthy level for me would be bellow 200) so as you can imagine I was fucking petrified… but after pumping my body full of medications they had started to rapidly drop and I was at a more “acceptable” level at around 1,000, where they continued to kind of flat line if you will and stay there, but recently I noticed I was loosing strength in my fingers and my legs were feeling weaker, and guess what? Yup those fuckers are on the rise again *dramatic eyeroll* so most probably sometime soon, I’m going too have to up all my medication again! YAY!! Not like I take enough things already.

Medication.

I’ve also been put on another medication as well to counteract the Dermatomyositis skin issue, which my god, mixed with all the other tablets is just making my tired all time, mixed with insomnia, like seriously how does that one work? I’m honestly confused, how can you feel exhausted and then not be able to sleep, it makes no sense! (Hence writing this at 2:50am Tuesday morning) but I’m tired more so than before, and everyday tasks just seem ten times more strenuous, oh did I also mention I cannot drink AT ALL whilst taking these, not that I’m a drinker anyway, but my 23rd birthday is in the next couple of months and it would of been nice to of just had a couple, but no, no birthday drink for Nicole! So yeah that sucks.

Anything else on the shit list?

Pain.

Oh I had a surgical muscle biopsy last year and this maybe TMI for some people, but I have quite a deep scar on my left thigh, kinda causes a dip look to my leg, anyway I digress, somehow I’ve managed to tear either the scar tissue or part of the muscle underneath, so as you can imagine I’m in a deep amount of discomfort at the moment, and I’m not even allowed to take ibuprofen to bring down the swelling!

Mental Health.

This has been weird… I’ve felt nothing, like honestly nothing. Hardly any emotions, and if I do, it’s a very fleeting feeling, it’s like someone’s turned them off, now I don’t know if it’s due to all the meds I’m on, or if with everything recently I’ve just turned into a heartless bitch, honestly it could be either, I’m not sure, but it’s damn weird. I’m just not worrying about things that I would of used too, loosing friendships haven’t bothered me in the slightest, arguments haven’t fazed me, having love expressed towards me and I feel nothing in return even though I know I used to, it’s all kinds of fucked up, but don’t worry my morals are still fully intact, a contradiction in itself I know, but something inside me still regards those! Basically in short… I’m a bit of a head case at the moment.

Future

Ah chronic illness you little bastard you, the reason why I don’t know what il be doing tomorrow, next week, a month, a year, 5 years or 10 years time! There is so much uncertainty, trying to just live one day at a time is honestly exhausting, without the added strain and stress of people looking down on you and judging your every move. Do you know if I hear any of these following questions/statements one more time I may go insane. (But here are the answered anyway)

You’re 22 you should be establishing a career for yourself now.

I’m trying to, it’s hard, I’m actually trying to become a writer and have spent nearly completed a children’s novel that I wish to get published, I know it’s probably a pipe dream, but it’s better than nothing, I have struggled so bad to find a “normal” job because at times my condition affects me so much I can’t be doing jobs like retail, I can’t stand for hours on end, and it’s so hard to find office work as I haven’t done any in years therefore I would kind of have to go in at entry level, and they’re few and far between where I live! 

Why are you staying home every weekend?

Money, I don’t have a steady income, I can’t afford to go out and get drunk at the weekends, and too be honest I don’t really want to because it seriously aggravates my condition, and I always end the night feeling like shit and paying extortionate taxi prices, so there that’s your reason! 

Why are you single?

I do not feel confident! The steroids have made me gain weight, not loads I was roughly 112lbs and I’ve jumped up to 136 resulting in me feeling like crap, and the associated skin condition with Dermatomyositis makes me feel gross, as it looks horrible, I know beauty is only skin deep, but if you’re not confident on the outside you can’t be inside you know? Plus I’ve watched too many Forensic Files and the whole blind date thing makes me feel on edge. Plus as you can probably tell I don’t have many friends, I have like 2 which too be honest I barely see and when I do see them we just hang out with the same people, and there is no attraction to any of them. I honestly think I will be single until I’m like 30 and I’m just going to have to get used to it. Oh did I also mention my face currently resembles a blowfish? Attractive right! 

Why do you still live with your parents?
Because it’s the right fucking price, where I live renting prices are rediculous! You have no hope in hell trying to buy your own property that’s for sure! 

You should be doing more!

Have my condition, no actually just have a couple of my conditions side affects for a few hours and see how much you want to do! 

Why can’t you do this?

Now this could be relating to many things, physical strength? There’s a lack of that. Mental strength? That’s there sometimes if the meds are being nice to me that day. Willingness? Sometimes I just know I won’t be able to endure it, and the best thing I’ve learned on this journey so far is it’s okay to say no and not feel guilty about it, you know better than anyone what you can and can’t do and don’t let others dictate that for you.

Stop being boring.

Hey I wasn’t boring yesterday, I was out and got loads done! It honestly depends what day you catch me on! Some days I will go out and do stuff other times I won’t, and I’d rather sit on my ass infront of the TV and binge watch Netflix! And guess what… it’s not boring too me! 

Want to make plans?

I hate this question with a passion, no I do not want to make plans, what to know why? Because it’s more than likely I won’t stick to it, I can’t tell how my body will be one day to the next and that is the ruler of my life! No commitment means no shitty feeling when I inevitably cancel because I feel unwell or am tired, sorry just the way it has to be, you’re best off asking me on the day, then more than likely if I’m up for it I will agree, but I can’t make plans for two weeks time, because I just don’t know if I’m okay! 

Why do you always cancel?

Ah you actually managed to get me to agree to something… you must of pestered the hell out of me. Sorry, no I don’t feel guilty, I made it very clear why I don’t make plans, I feel like shit, I’m not coming, end of, I know my body, I know if I push myself too much one day I end up paying for it, a few weeks ago I went up to London for some acting work, I left home at 6:30am got home at 8pm, (probably doesn’t sound long to you but that’s like the equivalent of a healty person doing a 18 hour shift) (I’m guessing could be a complete load of bollocks) I was fucked for the rest of the week, the amount of walking, the stress of trying to navigate the tube and train systems and the nervousness and adrenaline from the acting work completely tired me out, I spent the rest of the week pretty much on the sofa watching TV and sleeping like 17 hours a day I was done in! 

I hardly ever see you! 

Right… by nature I’m a hermit, I wasn’t one to go out and socialise when I was a teenager and I’m not now, I find it difficult to be around people, and I have very different tastes in things to a lot of people, since I was four years old I wanted to be an actress, that’s like my one true calling if you will, I love history especially the 17,000-19,000 and Ancient Greece and Egypt, I love alternative comedy, such as The Mighty Boosh, and everything I watch is old such as Only Fools and Horses, I love books and will read pretty much anything, and I’m used to being on my own and am happy that way, I never was a very social person and I don’t think I ever will be, I do try but social anxieties do hold me back, along with having such a small window of time that I can actually physically do stuff, it’s frustrating to me as well. 

Once again my post took a different way from which I started writing it, but I’m okay with that, as I’ve said many a times they are just “inner rambling of a moron”

Do you suffer from any chronic ilness’s or know anyone who does? Would love to hear how you cope and if you have any tips to make the day just seem a little better!

Don’t forget February 28th is rare disease day, so please help raise awareness, and so much more funding is needed!

Nicole xxxx

(Not sponsored, I do not own any rights to any images used)

(EDIT)

So as you can surely tell this post went in a completely weird direction hence the edit now, all I wanted to further input is that even though they are called rare disease’s they actually aren’t that rare anymore, thousands of people are battling these all around the world right now, and no one deserves to feel alone, and there is so much more that can be done, just by simply raising awareness, and that is exactly what will be happening on the 28th, so if you know anyone who has a rare disease or if you have one yourself please share this post and lets get a discussion going on about “what we can do” “useful tips” “support” and even “life stories” , together we can build a community to help one an other, raise awareness and funds to hopefully find a cure to many of these. thanks. xx

 

Unfixable lapses of judgment. 

People build mountains out of mole hills, completely mixing the truth in their brains to see the outcome that they most desire, an easy escape if you will, jealousy is a wasted emotion and one I do not play into, friendship is something that I cherish and will not ever willingly sacrifice, and I will always be completely honest with you, if I say nothing is happening or has ever happened I mean it!! 

I will apologise if I’m wrong, but I will also give you a cooling off period, because I’ve learned a discussion in the midst of anger will do more damage than good and you’l end up with a full blown war, and if I’m not wrong, I won’t apologise, but I try my hardest not to play the victim, because I’m tired of that role and I’ve invested too much time into crawling my way back up from the depths just to jump back in again. Plus I’m a fucking warrior now!! 

Like I said what one see’s and what one wants to believe are two completely different things yet they tred a fine line and the outcomes can be disastrous. 

I’ve noticed recently that friendship boundries are so different with different people, what I might joke about with one friend will not correspond correctly with another and so forth, and  (might I stress) COMPLETELY INNOCENT flirty/playful friendship doesn’t mean there’s an intention for more…

Do I want more? Hell no. 

Would I ever want more? Absolutely not.

And why on earth would you think I would knowing the history you two have together? I’m NOT that type of girl.

Am I not allowed to have a friendship with a male? Why is there the notion that it will end up in a relationship? It’s a complete load of bollocks, and what you see now of our friendship is the way it’s always been, the back and forth banter, the play fights, the crude jokes, it’s just the way we are and have been since day one and I won’t apologise for it, too be honest writing this post is pretty much pointless because my word should be enough, and your own insecurity and judgement shouldn’t make me feel like shit! 

Am I wrong in saying that? At this point fuck knows.

Should I feel guilt for something that was out of my power and didn’t know what was happening until I awoke? No. Want to know why? Because it wasn’t MY fucking fault! 

There is this reccuring trend I’m seeing of people not working on anything anymore, seeing what they want to see, letting stubbornness and anger shadow their judgment instead of talking about the issues and rebuilding relationships, we live in a society where it’s so easy to block someone from every platform and then quickly claim that the accused “wrong party” hasn’t made any contact to make amendments, well how can someone when you’re so quick to cut your losses and walk away? I’ve noticed these are usually the most unhappy people, who believe that ignoring something will just make all their issues go away, that isn’t how life works, if you truly wanted something to work, you wouldn’t drag up wrong doings from the past, make hasty decisions and just decide to cut all ties, that doesn’t help anything and in the end you’l be the one that will hurt more. 

Am I making excuses for the other friend I’ve known longer? No. 

Where his actions correct? Fuck no.

But unless you are the one in that close friendship you wouldn’t understand the bond, yes we do each others head in, we scream at each other until will blue in the face, and we won’t talk for a while, but we always make amends and forgive because that is true friendship, a lasting friendship, that had already been put through the ringer plenty of times before you came onto the scene. 

If I wanted to (which I don’t) I could hold onto many grudges and make people suffer but I’m not that type of person, however I think the forthcoming will prove my point…People talk about disrespect but do they really know what that truly is? To me disrespect is a “friend” fucking another “friend” on my living room floor in my house, a complete lack of respect to not only me but the rest of my family as well! Not what you wrongly think you heard or see or whatever, because I wouldn’t do that to you ever. I guess some people just can’t handle it when they think it’s happening on their own doorstep but it’s fine to do it at others. Other insidents that I won’t divulge but I took your word for it and trusted you, even against my better judgement that was telling me that I shouldn’t, that there was far more than you where letting on! 

Did I have a meltdown at you? No.

Why? Because I forgive and move on, life’s too short to be bitching about how much people have hurt you, you will just end up stuck in a useless circle until you end up alone and have no one else to blame but yourself, some have said I have the patience of a virtue well you know what fuck that, this is the straw that broke the camels back, you want an end of a friendship without even trying to fix it, fine, but if you even bothered to listen to my side of the story you would know you got it completely wrong. 

Self pity, stubbornness, anger and jealousy will not form long lasting friendships, but if you chose to live that way well then that is your call, yes these might seem like words from a callous bitch, but if you want to cut ties then so be it, at the end of the day I won’t be the one to suffer, because I know true enough I did nothing wrong

Gotta love a shitstorm 

Well here’s something I’d never thought I’d write, but when is the point when you finally admit to yourself that someone’s advances to you (whom are suppose to be your best friend) are more than innocent? 

Now I’m pretty indefferent about most things and I especially don’t realise when people are making a move on me, unless it’s really obvious as I quickly found out this weekend gone and it freaked me the fuck out, waking up to a “friend” inappropriately touching you is not something I ever want to experience again, but after having conversations with people about this today I feel weird about the whole situation… Do I feel it was sexual assault? No. Would I press charges? No. Am I wrong for not? I don’t think so. I told him to stop, he did, we were both very drunk, and he’s been a friend for years, and we’ve always had that weird banter/sexual innuendo type friendship, and it’s been made clear that it will never happen again. I know I’m being a bit hypocritical by saying it freaked me out, but I’m doing nothing about it. Believe me I am as confused as you are. But in this case I don’t feel a drunken mistake is worth potentially ruining someone’s life!

On the other hand everything that followed was a major shit storm, I quickly realised another friend has no trust in me, and still hasn’t forgiven me from shit in the past which I can’t really blame her for because (for want of a better) word I was a bit of a cunt to her, but the trust thing has really got to me, I’ve made it very clear numerous of times that I wouldn’t do what she thinks I would, as 

1. I’m not that type of person 

2. The thought of doing what she thinks I would seriously grosses me out 

3. It would ruin not one but two friendships. 

I know this is kinda cryptic but surely you can figure it out. So yeah that’s where I’m at in my life, unneeded stress, not like I have a whole other shitstorm to worry about, but then again who doesn’t! 

So in conclusion this weekend I lost two friends due to alcohol, a giant misunderstanding and a lack of trust! Fucking joy! 

How was your weekend? 

A month can change a lot.

Ramblings are about to commence, but If you have read my posts before you will already know that…

We are now in February and a lot has happened, the book I’ve been working my ass off on for the past few months is nearing the finish line, I have now have a toe back into the door of my acting career, I’m hitting the home stretch of having weekly blood test and my hospital appointments are become more infrequent and less taxing on me, medication has been dropped to a lot smaller dose and my mental state has improved, and I entered and ended a romance that would beat 50 shades of grey (but without all that red room of pain crap) it’s true what they say a month can change a lot…

But why do I still feel a longing for a lot more, especially in my love life… I am an avid reader, I will read anything if it peaks my interest and have been known to read more than five books a week, (if I don’t have much on) but is this the thing that’s causing the longing, is it the fact that reading books  (warning TMI about to ensue) (romance novels, mommy porn, whatever you want to call it) leaving me wanting more, and causing an uncertainty to arise in myself, if I find someone will I be happy, or will I still be looking for something better, I know that’s human nature, but I have a feeling I won’t ever be truly happy, the simplest solution would be to stop reading such books, but the idea has already been planted, please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks like this…

Having experienced a “fairytale-esque” romance recently you think I’d be quite content, but to be honest it wasn’t all it cracked up to be, yes you could of written a novel about it and had readers yearning to find out if they had their happily ever after, but as you can tell that didn’t happen, and I left the experience feeling rather deflated and worse than I was before, but is it personally me or is it the society we live in, yes me and this guy suited perfectly on paper and to paraphrase Jane Austen it would of been “a most agrreable arrangement” but I don’t want an arrangement, or to be with someone because of their wealth, let me be honest, that shit is tireing and makes you feel less of a person, because you personally can not keep up with their lavish lifestyle even though they insist on paying for everything (not entirely insist, he made it seem as though it was an unwritten rule, that I must obey) I honestly think I will end up settling, having a taste of what people would consider “perfection” I feel as though now I don’t know what I am before, feeling ever more lost and confused.

As usual their is really no point of this blog post, and I’m not entirely sure what I want to gain by writing this… I suppose just a certain sense of relief by not keeping it all inside.. I’m not sure, what do you think, do we just yearn for unachievable things? 

January 1st

So that’s it then…

The festive season has come and gone, and I feel 100lbs heavier but hey ho I enjoyed myself, looking back at 2016 and it hasn’t been that bad for me personally, I mean the grim reaper has definitely done it’s rounds and we have lost so many talented and inspirational people this year, and Brexit happened, and trump won, so regardless of everything else,  2016 will go down as one of the worst years. EVER!!!!

But what has happened for me this year?

Well… I finally got free of a long term toxic relationship and have cut ties with other people that were not benefiting my life, I started to write a children’s book, which I don’t have a lot left to do on, and I finally got a medical diagnosis after 2-3 years of suffering, so I suppose it cant be all that bad, well apart from the 49 tablets I have to take weekly, the fortnightly blood tests and other surgical procedures I have to endure this year, but the biggest thing I’ve learned from last year is… How fucking strong I am… emotionally.

I have personally endured so much shit in the past few years and I’m still going, stronger than ever, I know I sound like I’m blowing smoke up my own ass, but it honestly hit me last year, I can deal with a lot of shit and move on. Loosing one of my childhood friends due to suicide bought on by depression might have something to do with this realisation, God bless her soul. But last year has been about finding that inner strength and continuing.

I must admit though I have had a rather laid back approach to friendships last year, but saying that a friendship that I held so very dearly was destroyed and rebuilt last year, so that’s all good, and I must try harder this year, although we can go for weeks without talking then meet up and its like we never spent time apart.

After a year of not working I cant wait to start working again this year, its been far too long, and I need to start making decent money, so I can afford to actually do things, whilst saving, although I’ve realised I am absolutely crap at maths. Each month when I budget out my money for the month. come the end I always have more left than I thought I would, I suppose that’s not necessarily something to complain about, but it can be very confusing!

I’m not the type of person to make resolutions, but if I have to they would be..

( Pretty much all medical related haha)

1~Keep my weight under control, (Steroids are playing havoc with my body)

2~Take better care of myself internal and external ( Again bloody Dermatomyositis playing havoc)

3~Keep a daily journal just to keep check on everything.

4~Have at least two weekends away somewhere in Europe.

5~Finally buy a car.

6~Start work again.

7~And last but not least push myself to do something different.

Yay… seven resolutions, pretty apt seen as seven is my favourite number! Lets hope 2017 is an amazing year, I think we all deserve it after this one!

What do you want in 2017? What are your resolutions?

 

 

 

 

Two hours to go…

The new year is just two hours away and as I’m sat alone at home, with nothing to do or nowhere to go, I can’t help but feel a deep pang of lonliness, but the rational side of my brain is saying is it really that bad? This time last year I had already gone out for dinner with my friends and we were just about to get ready to go out to a club, in all honesty that’s all I want to remember of last new year, the sad truth is that night… Once we arrived in town, my boyfriend at the time spent the majority of the night ignoring me and chatting up other girls, only talking to me to either embarrass me or insult me infront of other people, and my best friend ended the night in tears, because the whole night had a huge cloud of awkwardness and well complete crapness hanging over it, and it only got worse, with the envitabilty of alcohol being abused and then arguments happened. So all in all it was a rather large shit show. The friends I spent that night with bar 3 are all out of my life now, vast reasonings behind each and everyone of them, but I honestly don’t think I would change it, I’ve grown a lot over this year and feel more at peace now with being alone and not relying on anyone anymore.

So is me being on my own tonight that much of an issue? Because I know I never want to relive that night again! 

What are your plans for tonight? I think I’m just gonna have a glass of wine and watch some crap on the telly. 

Happy new year! 😊🥂

Tapering steroids

As if being on steroids (Prednisolone) was bad enough, tapering off of them is being a bitch! Oh my god, it’s a pain in the ass, moon face is in full swing… did I have it when I was on a higher dose? Nope not at all, reduced my amount and BAMN! Hello plate face! Since reducing as well I’ve gained weight! Like wtf! I liked being the size I was, I was actually happy with it for once, but not anymore, which means I’m probably going to push my body to the limit to loose the weight and will probably come out of remission *Insert eye roll*

Honest to god, you can not win whilst you’re taking steroids, since reducing, the aches and pains have started again and I feel exhausted all the time, even the easiest tasks seem impossible! The problem is though with the new year just a few days away my mind is full of optimism and is rearing to jump into the new year head first, but will my body be able to keep up?

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That’s another thing, the mood swings, fuck me its horrendous, one minute I’m fine, next I want to either bite someone’s head off, or I’m crying into a tub of ice cream, it’s like being a teenager again, like when all your hormones where trying to balance themselves out, OR I won’t have mood swings and I’ll just be stuck in a rut of being a cold hearted bitch that gives zero fucks to anything or anyone.

Now I may seem all doom and gloom, it might have something to do with the fact that I was at a family party last night,  got very drunk (not recommended either whilst on medication Giant fucking slap on the wrist to me) went to sleep at 4am was up at 7am, so I’m knackered and I also have the beginning of a cold, which I feel may turn into tonsillitis or even worse the flu, which as you know if you have an autoimmune disease, normally you’ll end up in hospital for those two things, joy of joys. So yes as you can imagine, I’m one cheery fucker today!

But surely I’m not the only one whose experienced worse symptoms after starting the tapering process of steroids, right?

If you have I would love to know because right now I feel as though I’m loosing my bloody mind!

Real life Bridget Jones

Alas for once I will try to write a happy blog post, lord knows I haven’t in a while, normally my usual subject of choice is all gloom and doom, the nonsensical ramblings of someone who is no way qualified to dish out any advice on anything in life, not because I haven’t had enough life experiences, because believe me at twenty-two I could tell you tales of things I’ve dealt with in my life that someone twice my age wouldn’t be able to handle, but I’m not qualified because quite frankly I have no fucking idea what I’m doing, and that is not a bad thing, like do not get me wrong it is NOT a bad thing at all, I mean do any of us know what we’re doing… Really? I’ve learnt over this past year just to live my life one day at a time, and I’m fine with that, now I’m not saying you should too, but what’s wrong with slowing down once in a while and just savouring life, because we don’t have much time here, I know I don’t, so why not make each day count? (As cliché as it sounds) It’s all about finding that balance, and 2017 will be my year of figuring that out….
There’s something about winter that just brings my soul to life, the cold weather, the shorter days, the longer nights, I just love it, and not because I’m a “barely functioning day walker” (as I was once told) but because it’s the holiday season, Christmas is in a few weeks and secretly I’m shitting it, as it stands as I write this at 4:26am on the 4th December I have only bought 4 presents, and I still have loads to buy, but…with very little money, (Joys of still being unfit for work) anyway that’s not the point, Christmas is a time where you don’t have to go out in the cold if you don’t want to and you can just sit on your arse in front of the tele, eating crap food and watch reruns of shows like “The Vicar of Dibley” or “Only Fools and Horses” on gold (if you’re American, read above as “Fraiser”, and “Everybody loves Raymond”(sorry couldn’t think of any other old American shows haha) I mean what is there not to like?! I must be honest Christmas Day itself is slightly boring, but that’s only because it’s the same routine every year, but I shall let that one slide, because the run up to it is magical. But… my absolute favourite thing about this time of year is the hope and optimism of what the new year will bring, and believe you me, I’m holding on to that hope because the past few years have been absolutely the worst fucking years of my life so far, so I can not wait to welcome January 2017 with a new beginning because next year big things are going to change, I have it all planned out, and by god am I going to stick to it, I deserve a year of laughter, love, and being happy, a year of finally (fingers crossed) being well enough to start working again, I have missed so much not my own job, my own income and independence and actually feeling that my life has a purpose, that I’m doing some good, and taking the steps to make my life better? Take it as my “Bridget Jones” year, and hopefully it’s going to be amazing! Who knows maybe I shall take inspiration from Bridget and start daily blogging my life, nothing cut out, lay it all out there on the line, probably wouldn’t be the greatest idea to bare my soul to the Internet… but why not?!! I haven’t got anything to hide, and never know it might inspire others to do the same thing?!
Once again this blog post hasn’t really had a point, but I hope if you reading this is may hopefully of made you smile…
What do you plan for 2017? I’d love to know x