Tag Archives: confusion

An Average Day

My mind is always willing, my body not so much.

This is my daily battle, there’s so much I want to do with my days, but what do I actually do?  An average day for me is this…

-Struggle to start wake up and start my day, body is screaming for more sleep.

-Hunger, but body refuses food

-Get a little work done, i.e respond to emails, work on book.

-Think of all the things I need to do.

-End up wasting the day in a tired state, usually end up watching crappy day time TV

-Spend evenings in reading books.

This is pretty much my life 24/7 no change at the weekend either, not what you would expect from a 22 year old right?

Am I just stuck in a never ending rut? Or am I spending my days just in a dreamworld longing for more? Or is it that I’m doing the one thing I swore I would never do, and am letting my disease control me?

To be honest I have no idea, and I really don’t know how to change it, my energy levels are so depleted right now, I’m not sure how to sort it out. I’ve always suffered from depression, (I was put on antidepressants at a very young age) I could blame it on this, but I don’t think it is depression, my life is actually pretty good at the moment, financially I’m fine,  I don’t want for anything really, apart from medical stuff everything’s fine, so why am I living like a fucking zombie?  (I know financial state should determine your mental state but it does to me okay?)

(I usually start these post with a subject that I want to write about and then all of a sudden I always go onto tangents and i have no idea, where I am going with it? Is my attention span that short?)

Is it because I don’t have regular contact with anyone else apart from my family?

Now I’ve never been one to have female friendships, I never did as a child and I still don’t as an adult, I was always the girl that had more male friends than females, and that isn’t uncommon, I find it hard to form friendships with females, far to complex and confusing for me, and plus I’ve found in female friendships I always become the passive friend allowing the other person to walk all over me, now that may be due to my fear of confrontation but then again saying that, I have no issue’s with arguing with men. Are you as confused as I am? Good, because I can’t really explain it myself! Are you like me? Not really able to get along in friendships with people the same gender as you? Maybe I’ll grow out of it one day, because I’d love to have a friendship like the one’s you see in shitty movies, where two friends rent an apartment together, have a laugh, and drink every night, but I’m almost positive that will never happen for me. Never mind.

But… On the other hand I barely see my male friends also, mostly because their all pretty much in relationships, and we all know male/female platonic friendships have to be put on hold whilst one is in a relationship, a bullshit rule really, but one that everyone seems to follow.

Is it the lack of friendship getting to me?

Or is it the lack of a romantic relationship?

My nature is to be a submissive, but that doesn’t mean I wont argue with you, or bow down to your every need, but is that affecting my romantic relationships, I’ve never felt girly in my life, I’m not someone who oozes sex appeal or every really feels sexy, and due to past relationships my self worth is very low. (Working on it) I trust easily, fall quickly, and always seem to be hurt even quicker, my own stupidity I know, also the factor I’ve implemented a stupid thought that my time is rapidly running out, my parents where married and had my older brother and me by the time they got to the age I am now, and when I was younger I always thought I’d be married and have a child of my own by the time I reached 21, obviously not. Not having a child doesn’t worry me, like that is the furthest thing from my mind right now, kids can wait, uncertain if I even want them anymore due to past problems I never thought in my wildest dreams I would go through, but I did, and life goes on, but being young and having not one other person interested in you is really disheartening, maybe I’m just over thinking things. (Tend to do that quite a lot)

I don’t know I just want more from life, the endless stream of days that are so similar are just getting to me, and I need to make a change before more years slip by and I end up completely sad and alone.

Horay for being one cheery motherfucker!



A month can change a lot.

Ramblings are about to commence, but If you have read my posts before you will already know that…

We are now in February and a lot has happened, the book I’ve been working my ass off on for the past few months is nearing the finish line, I have now have a toe back into the door of my acting career, I’m hitting the home stretch of having weekly blood test and my hospital appointments are become more infrequent and less taxing on me, medication has been dropped to a lot smaller dose and my mental state has improved, and I entered and ended a romance that would beat 50 shades of grey (but without all that red room of pain crap) it’s true what they say a month can change a lot…

But why do I still feel a longing for a lot more, especially in my love life… I am an avid reader, I will read anything if it peaks my interest and have been known to read more than five books a week, (if I don’t have much on) but is this the thing that’s causing the longing, is it the fact that reading books  (warning TMI about to ensue) (romance novels, mommy porn, whatever you want to call it) leaving me wanting more, and causing an uncertainty to arise in myself, if I find someone will I be happy, or will I still be looking for something better, I know that’s human nature, but I have a feeling I won’t ever be truly happy, the simplest solution would be to stop reading such books, but the idea has already been planted, please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks like this…

Having experienced a “fairytale-esque” romance recently you think I’d be quite content, but to be honest it wasn’t all it cracked up to be, yes you could of written a novel about it and had readers yearning to find out if they had their happily ever after, but as you can tell that didn’t happen, and I left the experience feeling rather deflated and worse than I was before, but is it personally me or is it the society we live in, yes me and this guy suited perfectly on paper and to paraphrase Jane Austen it would of been “a most agrreable arrangement” but I don’t want an arrangement, or to be with someone because of their wealth, let me be honest, that shit is tireing and makes you feel less of a person, because you personally can not keep up with their lavish lifestyle even though they insist on paying for everything (not entirely insist, he made it seem as though it was an unwritten rule, that I must obey) I honestly think I will end up settling, having a taste of what people would consider “perfection” I feel as though now I don’t know what I am before, feeling ever more lost and confused.

As usual their is really no point of this blog post, and I’m not entirely sure what I want to gain by writing this… I suppose just a certain sense of relief by not keeping it all inside.. I’m not sure, what do you think, do we just yearn for unachievable things?