A month can change a lot.

Ramblings are about to commence, but If you have read my posts before you will already know that…

We are now in February and a lot has happened, the book I’ve been working my ass off on for the past few months is nearing the finish line, I have now have a toe back into the door of my acting career, I’m hitting the home stretch of having weekly blood test and my hospital appointments are become more infrequent and less taxing on me, medication has been dropped to a lot smaller dose and my mental state has improved, and I entered and ended a romance that would beat 50 shades of grey (but without all that red room of pain crap) it’s true what they say a month can change a lot…

But why do I still feel a longing for a lot more, especially in my love life… I am an avid reader, I will read anything if it peaks my interest and have been known to read more than five books a week, (if I don’t have much on) but is this the thing that’s causing the longing, is it the fact that reading books  (warning TMI about to ensue) (romance novels, mommy porn, whatever you want to call it) leaving me wanting more, and causing an uncertainty to arise in myself, if I find someone will I be happy, or will I still be looking for something better, I know that’s human nature, but I have a feeling I won’t ever be truly happy, the simplest solution would be to stop reading such books, but the idea has already been planted, please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks like this…

Having experienced a “fairytale-esque” romance recently you think I’d be quite content, but to be honest it wasn’t all it cracked up to be, yes you could of written a novel about it and had readers yearning to find out if they had their happily ever after, but as you can tell that didn’t happen, and I left the experience feeling rather deflated and worse than I was before, but is it personally me or is it the society we live in, yes me and this guy suited perfectly on paper and to paraphrase Jane Austen it would of been “a most agrreable arrangement” but I don’t want an arrangement, or to be with someone because of their wealth, let me be honest, that shit is tireing and makes you feel less of a person, because you personally can not keep up with their lavish lifestyle even though they insist on paying for everything (not entirely insist, he made it seem as though it was an unwritten rule, that I must obey) I honestly think I will end up settling, having a taste of what people would consider “perfection” I feel as though now I don’t know what I am before, feeling ever more lost and confused.

As usual their is really no point of this blog post, and I’m not entirely sure what I want to gain by writing this… I suppose just a certain sense of relief by not keeping it all inside.. I’m not sure, what do you think, do we just yearn for unachievable things? 


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